Everyone wants to talk about forgiveness

Your therapist says it. Your pastor says it. Every self-help book says it:

"You have to forgive them to be free."

"Holding onto anger only hurts you."

"Let it go."

And you want to. God, you want to let it go.

But every time you try to forgive, it feels fake. Hollow. Like you're saying the words but your body isn't buying it.

That's because forgiveness isn't the first step. It's the final step.

And if anyone is telling you otherwise, they're setting you up to fail.

The Pressure to Forgive

I see this constantly in my practice—clients who come to me carrying years of unresolved anger, hurt, and betrayal.

And when I ask them about it, they say things like:

"I know I should forgive them."

"I'm trying to let it go."

"I'm a spiritual person—I shouldn't be holding onto this."

"Other people have it worse. I should just get over it."

Should, should, should.

That word alone tells me everything I need to know: they're trying to skip a step.

Why Premature Forgiveness Doesn't Work

Here's the truth that no one wants to say out loud:

You can't forgive someone you're still furious at. Not really.

You can say you forgive them. You can perform forgiveness. You can write it in your journal, say it in your prayers, post it on social media.

But if the anger is still living in your body, you haven't actually forgiven them. You've just bypassed your real feelings.

And that bypass? It's a grudge that's making you sick.

Unexpressed anger doesn't disappear because you decided to "be the bigger person." It goes underground. It shows up as:

- Chronic pain

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Autoimmune issues

- Resentment that poisons other relationships

- A constant low-grade rage you can't quite pinpoint

You're not free. You're just pretending to be.

The Real Sequence of Healing

Here's what actual healing looks like:

1. Feel the anger

Not think about it. Not analyze it. Not justify it.

Actually feel it in your body.

Where do you hold it? Your jaw? Your chest? Your stomach?

Let yourself acknowledge: "I can own that I'm fucking furious."

2. Express it

This is where most people get stuck.

You've felt the anger for years, but you've never let yourself say it. Out loud. With all the cuss words.

That's where Bitch Tap® comes in. You tap on acupressure points while you finally tell that person exactly what you think of them.

Every grievance. Every betrayal. Every lie.

You get your power back.

3. Release the charge

This is what happens when you combine honest expression with tapping.

The emotional charge that's been stuck in your body finally moves through and out.

You can think about the situation without your heart racing. Without your stomach dropping. Without wanting to scream.

The memory is still there, but it doesn't own you anymore.

4. THEN forgive

Only now—after you've felt it, expressed it, and released it—can you truly forgive.

Not because you're supposed to.

Not because someone told you it's the "right" thing to do.

But because you're actually ready.

Because forgiveness from this place isn't about them. It's about you choosing freedom.

Forgiveness as the Key to Your Own Freedom

Here's what I tell my clients, especially when we're working through old, lingering anger and grudges:

The ultimate goal for deep healing is forgiveness. But it's a final step, not the first one.

Forgiveness is the number one key to unlock the energetic shackles that keep you and the other person bound together, living in the past.

There's an old French proverb: "He has not escaped who drags his chains."

When you hold onto rage, you're not punishing them—you're punishing yourself.

The person you hate can't actually feel your hatred. Only you do. And you pay for it dearly, health-wise.

How fair is that?

Forgiving Yourself Is Just as Important

There's another layer to this that people don't talk about enough:

You also have to forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for:

- Staying in that relationship too long

- Not speaking up when you should have

- Ignoring the red flags

- Letting someone treat you that way

- Staying plugged into the negative feelings for so long

That last one is big.

You have to forgive yourself for holding onto the anger. For staying bound to that person energetically. For letting them live rent-free in your head.

Love Trumps Hate

Forgiving someone with every fiber of your being, with all your heart, means that love trumps hate.

Not a sappy, Hallmark-card kind of love. But a fierce, boundary-setting, "I'm choosing my own peace" kind of love.

When you forgive—truly forgive—you're saying:

"What you did was wrong. And I'm done carrying it."

You're cutting the energetic cord. You're setting yourself free.

And that? That's power.

What Forgiveness Is NOT

Let me be very clear about what forgiveness doesn't mean:

- It doesn't mean what they did was okay

- It doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life

- It doesn't mean you forget what happened

- It doesn't mean you're weak

Forgiveness means you're no longer willing to sacrifice your health and peace for someone who hurt you.

It means you're choosing yourself.

The Debbie Story: Forgiveness After Release

I think of my client Debbie, whose story I've shared before.

She lost her 17-year-old son, Anthony, in a drowning accident. For 16 years, she was consumed by grief—sitting at his grave for hours, unable to move forward.

When we did EFT together, I didn't start with forgiveness. I started with the truth:

"I couldn't save you."

"A part of me died with you."

"I'll never get over the way you died."

We let her feel it. Express it. Release it.

And then—only then—were we able to work toward a place of peace:

"Even though I couldn't reach out far enough to save you, I trust you took the hand of Jesus, and He safely led you home."

That wasn't bypassing. That was forgiveness earned through honest grief.

And Debbie? She went from 16 years of paralyzing sorrow to being able to celebrate Christmas again. To decorate a tree in her son's honor. To live.

That's what real forgiveness looks like.

Don't Rush It

If you're not ready to forgive, don't force it.

If you're still angry, don't stop working on it.

If you need to bitch someone out, do it - (with Bitch Tap®).

You'll know when you're ready to forgive. It won't feel forced. It will feel like relief.

Like exhaling after holding your breath for years.

You're Not a Bad Person for Being Angry

I want to say this clearly:

You're not a bad person for holding onto anger.

You're not "less spiritual" for not being ready to forgive yet.

You're not weak for needing time.

You're human. And you're doing your best.

The goal isn't to rush to forgiveness so you can feel "good" again.

The goal is to honor the full arc of your healing—anger, grief, expression, release, and finally, freedom.

Ready to Start?

If you've been trying to forgive someone but you're still carrying the rage, start here:

1. Give yourself permission to be pissed.

Not forever. But for now.

2. Use Bitch Tap® to express it.

Say everything you've been holding back. Get your power back.

3. Let the charge release.

Keep tapping until the memory doesn't activate your nervous system anymore.

4. THEN work toward forgiveness.

When you're ready. Not a moment before.

Want to learn how?

Start with my free "What is Energy Psychology?" video to understand the foundation, then listen to my Bitch Tap® "podcast" for the story of how this approach evolved from classical EFT and why it's so powerful.

Join my email list and I'll send you guided tutorials so you can start speaking your truth—out loud, unapologetically, powerfully.

You don't have to forgive yet. But you do have to start feeling.

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